I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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