I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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