I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
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