Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
