apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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