Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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