i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
sarcasm needs its own font
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
