if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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