It was confusing and full of hummus
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
