he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
