Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
