I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
