I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
