oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
