We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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