We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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