just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize