Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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