i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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