dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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