she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
