you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
