I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
