you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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