Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Randomize
