i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize