Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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