Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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