we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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