the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
