my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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