Pappa wants mamma naked
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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