if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
i think i just lost a toe
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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