Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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