I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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