This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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