I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Plan B is the new Plan A
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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