Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
