ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
