I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
