she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
