he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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