We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
