gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
