youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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