The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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