Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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