What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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