Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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