hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
