on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
