It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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