hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
