i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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