that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
