somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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