What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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