Swine flu. Run for my life!
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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