Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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